(note: all “Stories from the Field” are true, thinly anonymized to protect the -usually- guilty)

Project Manager: Hi Jim and team, we need a new version of our product with this and that new feature.

Team: Sure, but it’ll need a bit more memory on our customers’ computers.

PM: No worries, our customers have more than adequate computers already.

Team: Hmmmokey

Team: (codes)

Team: (tests)

Team: It’s ready and has passed our internals tests successfully.

Team: Now it’s time to go and test it on a few customers just to be safe, like we did last time.

PM: Yeah about that.

Team: WHAT NOW THIS IS A GOOD THING

PM: No no no don’t get me wrong, our customers loved it.

PM: In fact they loved it so much that they have been asking for it.

PM: Jim can you talk to Sales? They’ll tell you some great customers to test with.

Jim: (makes the rookie mistake and calls Sales)

Sales: Oh hi so happy to hear you.

Jim: Really? You usually complain about how our product is a piece of shit.

Sales: AAAAHAHAHAFUNNY no really I’m totally happy to hear you.

Sales: I’ve got a totally great customer you can test the new version with.

Sales: Who is totally not a cheapskate bloodsucking asshole.

Sales: You should totally call him.

Jim: I have a bad feeling about this.

Jim: (calls customer)

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: Oh hi happy to hear you, you’re supposed to give me free product to resell to my customers right?

Jim: NO NOT AT ALL we need to test our product and therefore 1) yes you get something for free but 2) be aware that your computers need to have more memory and 3) it’s still being tested which means DO NOT CHARGE YOUR CUSTOMERS FOR IT AND PLEASE TELL THEM THIS MIGHT NOT WORK.

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: Yada yada yada so I get free stuff great see you on Thursday bye.

Jim: (has a very bad feeling about this)

Jim and a Teammate: (show up early)

Jim and a Teammate: (start installing the new version on the Totally Not a Cheapskate Customer’s computers)

Jim and a Teammate: Wait this doesn’t work you don’t have enough memory here.

Jim and a Teammate: This isn’t even enough memory for the previous version.

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: SO WHAT I DON’T CARE ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL THE FOOD OF MY CHILDREN? (* actual quote)

Jim and a Teammate: No wait we made very very clear that…

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: YOU ARE WORSE THAN THIEVES (* actual quote)

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer’s Customers: WHY DON’T YOU GIVE US CHEAP STUFF AREN’T WE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY??? (* actual quote)

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: I’LL CALL YOUR BOSS RIGHT NOW

PM: Hi Jim what’s going on there?

Jim: This and that, the Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer turned out to be a Totally Cheapskate Customer.

PM: Hmmm so Sales wasn’t 100% sincere.

PM: Who would’ve thought.

PM: Can you remove the installation restriction just for now?

Jim: I can but some things might work, some might not.

PM: Do your best.

Team: (does their best and has a special version ready within 15 minutes)

Jim and a Teammate: (install the software)

Jim and a Teammate: See it kind of works but it has issues BECAUSE IT NEEDS MORE MEMORY.

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: SEE MY LOYAL CUSTOMERS I HAVE SLAIN THE THIEVING EVIL CORPORATE DRAGON AND GAVE YOU CHEAP STUFF.

Jim and a Teammate: Wait you actually charged them for this we specifically asked you not to.

Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: BEGONE YOU FOUL DEMON.

Jim: (silently curses in languages he doesn’t even speak)

(note: all “Stories from the Field” are true, thinly anonymized to protect the -usually- guilty)

Teammate: (goes to a big and important customer)

Customer: I want a software like this and that

Customer: And I want it yesterday

Project Manager: They want it yesterday

Teammate: But I need a bit more time in order to implement some UI checks, so that users don’t make mistakes

Customer: Our users don’t make mistakes, they are permanent employees for so many years, they know their job

Teammate: Hmmmokey

Teammate: (implements software in just a few days)

Teammate: (delivers)

Customer: (installs)

Users: (use the software)

Users: (literally fuck up everything that is possible and some things that are not)

Customer: WHY ARE THE DATA WRONG

Teammate: …but you said…

Customer: you’re not good I want another one

Project Manager: Jim you’re assigned to this

Jim: I will rewrite it from zero and I will implement these UI checks plus many many more

Customer: I WANT IT YESTERDAY

Project Manager: THEY WANT IT YESTERDAY

Jim: (doesn’t give a shit)

Jim: (writes code anywhere, anytime, day, night, while eating, while getting the baby to sleep, while helping his wife with breastfeeding etc etc)

Jim: (delivers)

Customer: Why is this 40MB this is bigger than the previous one I don’t like this

Jim: (loses his shit and starts screaming)

Customer: Jeez why are you so nervous you need to calm down

Customer: (installs)

Users: (use the software)

Users: OH HEY THIS WORKS

Users: IT HAS HELPFUL COLOURS TOO

Users: AND IT HAS EXPLANATIONS FOR EACH FIELD

Users: THIS IS GREAT

Customer: great job Jim, see I told you the first guy was not good

Jim: (silently curses in languages he doesn’t even speak)

Note: to be fair, the “40MB” complaint wasn’t as irrational as it sounds. The software had to be copied to many client computers, some of them in remote parts of the country with slow lines; this was still the days of ISDN. Still, the refactoring was worth it. The added volume was caused by a reporting library (Crystal Reports for .Net) which solved many problems by itself. I now understand the frustration of the customer’s IT as someone had to stay up all night copying. But the pressure from management was so much that at this point the poor guy just said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Elias if you ever read this, please accept my apologies 😊