(note: all “Stories from the Field” are true, thinly anonymized to protect the -usually- guilty)
Project Manager: Hi Jim and team, we need a new version of our product with this and that new feature.
Team: Sure, but it’ll need a bit more memory on our customers’ computers.
PM: No worries, our customers have more than adequate computers already.
Team: It’s ready and has passed our internals tests successfully.
Team: Now it’s time to go and test it on a few customers just to be safe, like we did last time.
PM: Yeah about that.
Team: WHAT NOW THIS IS A GOOD THING
PM: No no no don’t get me wrong, our customers loved it.
PM: In fact they loved it so much that they have been asking for it.
PM: Jim can you talk to Sales? They’ll tell you some great customers to test with.
Jim: (makes the rookie mistake and calls Sales)
Sales: Oh hi so happy to hear you.
Jim: Really? You usually complain about how our product is a piece of shit.
Sales: AAAAHAHAHAFUNNY no really I’m totally happy to hear you.
Sales: I’ve got a totally great customer you can test the new version with.
Sales: Who is totally not a cheapskate bloodsucking asshole.
Sales: You should totally call him.
Jim: I have a bad feeling about this.
Jim: (calls customer)
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: Oh hi happy to hear you, you’re supposed to give me free product to resell to my customers right?
Jim: NO NOT AT ALL we need to test our product and therefore 1) yes you get something for free but 2) be aware that your computers need to have more memory and 3) it’s still being tested which means DO NOT CHARGE YOUR CUSTOMERS FOR IT AND PLEASE TELL THEM THIS MIGHT NOT WORK.
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: Yada yada yada so I get free stuff great see you on Thursday bye.
Jim: (has a very bad feeling about this)
Jim and a Teammate: (show up early)
Jim and a Teammate: (start installing the new version on the Totally Not a Cheapskate Customer’s computers)
Jim and a Teammate: Wait this doesn’t work you don’t have enough memory here.
Jim and a Teammate: This isn’t even enough memory for the previous version.
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: SO WHAT I DON’T CARE ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL THE FOOD OF MY CHILDREN? (* actual quote)
Jim and a Teammate: No wait we made very very clear that…
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: YOU ARE WORSE THAN THIEVES (* actual quote)
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer’s Customers: WHY DON’T YOU GIVE US CHEAP STUFF AREN’T WE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY??? (* actual quote)
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: I’LL CALL YOUR BOSS RIGHT NOW
PM: Hi Jim what’s going on there?
Jim: This and that, the Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer turned out to be a Totally Cheapskate Customer.
PM: Hmmm so Sales wasn’t 100% sincere.
PM: Who would’ve thought.
PM: Can you remove the installation restriction just for now?
Jim: I can but some things might work, some might not.
PM: Do your best.
Team: (does their best and has a special version ready within 15 minutes)
Jim and a Teammate: (install the software)
Jim and a Teammate: See it kind of works but it has issues BECAUSE IT NEEDS MORE MEMORY.
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: SEE MY LOYAL CUSTOMERS I HAVE SLAIN THE THIEVING EVIL CORPORATE DRAGON AND GAVE YOU CHEAP STUFF.
Jim and a Teammate: Wait you actually charged them for this we specifically asked you not to.
Totally Not A Cheapskate Customer: BEGONE YOU FOUL DEMON.
Jim: (silently curses in languages he doesn’t even speak)